Sunday, September 26, 2010

Liveblogging New Moon

Yesterday was my friend's kid's seventh birthday, and it was Twilight themed. Now, if you read my review of Twilight, I didn't care for it. It took me three months to read. But yesterday I watched the movie, quite willingly, for the second time. The hilarious part was when the kid kept taking her Twilight Barbie dolls and manipulating them along with the movie. She did slack off about half-way through, in which I was resorted to drastic measures by throwing things at the dolls to make them leave the scene.

2:00 Dream Sequence: Uh, Bella, that's not your gran. That's YOU. I got it way before you did. And I know what scares you.... not that you'll age and Edward won't, but that you'll look like that.

3:15 Romeo and Juliet: You're a senior in high school and you're just now reading this? What is Forks High School, severe remediation?

5:00 The color is WAY better in this movie. Bella must have been out in the sun because she's not as pale, and neither is Edward. What is that? Edward cracked a smile? Still needs a haircut, though. But, considering he's dead, his hair shouldn't grow, right? And I can see that the tangerine lip stain has been replaced by coral.

8:10 Jasper still has the broody "Humans are tasty" look.

8:40 Forget the vampires. Who cries when watching Romeo and Juliet? And that teacher who quotes along with the movie is Lame. I'm not saying that I don't quote along with movies, because I do. But I quote cool movies, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Oh, and The Scarlet Pimpernel. For example:
"I thought you were the Scarlet Pimpernel. "
"I could never presume to fill those shoes. I lack sufficient courage."
"I have yet to meet a more courageous, or a more handsome, cavalier."
I wonder how many times Edward has watched/read this story.

10:00 Tangerine lip stain is back. Thanks, Edward. And how cliched to quote the movie.

12:00 Edward, you have told the vampire secret and killed another vampire. I'm thinking the Voltari are going to come after you and rip your head off. Oh, if wishes were dollars....
Predictably, like a nut, Bella wants to be changed.

13:45 The vampires have discovered bronzer! They're not so pale! Emmett seems to be so human with the purchase of a good car radio. Oh, and nothing like a good vampire fight! No, it's a LOT of blood, Alice. Oh, and I know what's going to happen now. Edward will think it's his fault, go all passive aggressive and think that it's better off that he leaves, and Bella will be mooning about most of the rest of the movie.

And to think: I could be writing lesson plans!

18:00 Cue the regrets.

20:00 .... And he's not at school. Instead, he's at Bella's house, rooting around in her room for something. Oh, this can't be good. He wants them to take a walk! Oh, that's the death knell of the relationship right there. Walks never bring good news. Edward is obviously using the "Carlisle looks too young" excuse to break up with her. In the world of plastic surgery, Carlisle can botox those wrinkles away. I'd be more worried about Esme's looks staying the same.

23:30 And this is where Bella stars moping for the next hour. Edward, you can't break up with someone, ask them not to be reckless, and then say you'll never see her again, for her own sake. She's 18, Edward, she won't understand. This is the end of her world. She's going to listen to today's version of Alanis Morisette for hours in her room, stop washing her hair, and start to physically resemble the zombie she feels like inside. Better off faking your own death, dude. Or actually do it. you know you're bored with high school. You've graduated 20 times. At best, you're an illegal alien because you have no social security number, and you died in 1918 of the flu.

27:00 Shirtless Indian finds Bella. Brings her home. Jacob looks pissed off. Hey, but at least Edward's gone, mate. Now you have a chance. It's Halloween and Bella is dressed up as a zombie.... oh, wait. Nope. She's just depressed. And she's been sitting in her room, in the same spot for months. Time passes by, and it's December, and she's still sitting in the same chair. Now she's back at school. Now she's having nightmares. And receiving Undeliverable Mail notices from Alice's e-mail account.

30:45 Charlie wants her to go to Jacksonville to be with her mother because she's going through vampire withdrawal. So she's goes to a movie with a friend about zombies, and the friend wonders if it's a parallel for leprosy or consumerism or man's need to fit in or about the zombie apocalypse? Because we need to be worried about those zombies. And now Bella's going to do something reckless because Edward told her not to in her head, and she wants to see Edward, so she's going to do reckless things just to see his face. There's got to be a pill for that.

37:00 Yep. Stupid and reckless. And you're playing with Jacob, which upsets me. And his hair? Nicer than mine. I'm against that. Though I do love how Jacob turns everything into a Red/White issue. The repartee seems to be much more witty than in Twilight.

43:00 Bella finds something reckless to do--cliff-diving! Woot woot!

45:00 Here's where I'm having issues with Edward's "you'll never see me again"--it was a lie. Every time she's reckless, she sees him. What a crock! It's passive-aggressive behavior at its height! He's not helping her. As long as he keeps showing up when she's being reckless, she's going to continue being reckless. When you stop showing up, she's going to realize it's not going to help, being reckless to see you! Stop it!

50:00 Face Punch has to be the worst movie ever. After the one I'm watching , that is. (And don't hold Bella's hand.)

55:00 I bet Jacob's going through that change-of-werewolf time. It's a time that every young pup must go through on his way to becoming an adult werewolf-shapeshifter thing. When you have your "change", you cut your hair off, get an awesome tatt, and cut your jeans off so you have long shorts. Poor Bella, everyone is pushing her away! And stop e-mailing Alice!

1:01:00 That vampire dude is back. I don't know his name, the one with the dreds. He's right! He left you behind unprotected! At least it would be a better death than if Victoria killed her. Go ahead, let him kill you! Damn. The werewolves had to come out, ruin all my fun.

1:05:00 Werewolves are awesome.

1:10:00 who wants a vampire when werewolves are SO AWESOME? Vampires are all broody and depressed but werewolves get it done.

1:16:00 The truth is out about Victoria and that she's after Bella. Not missing Edward right about now. :) And stop e-mailing Alice! And just when I think Bella is getting over Edward, she cliff-dives.

1:26:00 I'm with Jacob. If James could totally trick Bella in Twilight, then Victoria could make her think the Cullens are back in town! Go with the hunky, brave, open werewolf, Bella! He's got a tan! Edward is too broody! And pale!

Alice finally got an e-mail. Maybe if she checked her email instead of relying on faulty psychic images, she'd know Bella didn't die.

1:32:00 Might I say that Jacob is brilliant? He's about to kiss Bella and guess who calls? Edward. Who is supposedly never going to go back to Bella but keeps warning her anyway, using his passive-aggressive personality to keep her tied to him. So, Jacob says that Charlie is too busy arranging a funeral and hangs up! Of course, Edward is going to think it's Bella's funeral. And it's not!

1:33:00 Edward wants to die now. Oh, I see. Romeo and Juliet. And Bella's not really dead. Wow. That's a subtle parallel.

1:37:30 The townspeople are chanting "Imhotep." I swear it! That's what all crowds chant! "Imhotep! Imhotep!"

Edward! Put that shirt on! Nasty! Where's Jacob when you need him?

1:44:00 The Volturi. Boring. Flashes of Cedric Diggory's death.

1:50:46 How stupid.

1:53:48 Sap sap sappy. Maple trees sappy. And WTH with the voting to become a vampire? I think they should go to couple's counseling. He's obviously against her decision, and to have this animosity around for the rest of forever isn't good for their relationship.

This ending sucked. A lot.