Friday, November 14, 2008

The Evil in US Weekly

I have a subscription to US Weekly. I don't know how it happened, but so far I've received three issues. I looked for a customer service number, but it doesn't exist. I sent an e-mail, no response. Today I finally was able to find the cancel process. 

What a pain in the ass. 

How did I get the subscription?? I wish I knew. I really do. I think it happened when I went to Books-A-Million last, which was back in September. Scratch that. The last time I bought anything from the store was back in September, the date that the subscription was entered. I've been in there since, but they never have the book I want. They had at the register the four free issues plug, to which I always say no. If I have the choices of US Weekly, Time, and Sports Illustrated, would I really pick US Weekly?

The answer is no. I'd pick Time, then Sports Illustrated. I'd never pick US Weekly, because it's the most evil form of journalism ever. I can't even watch E! except when The Soup is on. I don't care who looks better in what dress and why they got rid of some characters on Grey's Anatomy

So, I'm going to dissect the November 24th issue of US Weekly. Enjoy. 

  • I hate that the table of contents starts on page 18, and it tells the reader about information that I read BEFORE page 18. Shouldn't the contents be first? I can handle the ads before the table of contents, but the actual content? I have an idea, lets call that the index! 
  • Stars Who Talk Trash About Their Exes! Kiss and dis! (Yeah, I totally needed this.) 
  • With "Gretchen's Talented Tot", we find out that not only did she saddle the child with a name like Ptolemy (that went out of style with Alexander the Great), but we get to hear about how wonderfully average the child is! 
  • Stars--They're Just Like US! They eat fondue! They hit the road with pals! They hang out with their bros! They try on high boots! What is this rubbish? Really? Some actress--I'm guessing, because I've never heard of Jessica Szohr before, so she could be a singer, model, escort--but I really don't care if she's buying high boots. Ooh. 
  • Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon didn't have sex before they married. That makes one couple in Hollywood. 
  • And of course there is the special Obamas--Just Like US! section that tells us that they "Kiss and Ride", "Work Out", "Love Date Night," and have "Election Night Jitters." I thought presidential candidates were robots. 
  • And just when I think that I can throw the entire thing out, there's a Twilight section. I'll have to give that to Lisa, who's in love with the movie, and will probably drag me out to see it. Oh, and who's the hotter vampire? Edward nudges out James by 52% to 48%. And 75% of US readers say Madonna should get custody.... snore. Oh, sorry. 
  • OMG! Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas are over! The world as we know it is over. 
Thank Goodness that's over. 

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